Sincerely, Sara: How to Manage Toxic Relationships

By Sara Kaufman

Edited by Taylor Morgan

Dear reader,

It seems we often find ourselves in friendships we do not want to be in. Why is that? Why do we gravitate toward toxic relationships and then continue to stay stuck in them? These are questions I often ask myself when experiencing toxic relationships. 

Photography by Yoann Kenguemba, Styled by Lauren Stuckey, Kiser Young & Paulina Adams

It can be a hard pill to swallow, but it's important to recognize that we “accept the love we think we deserve.” When we stay in these toxic cycles, it is usually because that is all we know, and it feels comforting. It can be hard to recognize that these relationships are affecting you in a negative way since you may have never experienced a positive relationship. Here are some ways to identify if the relationship may be toxic:

1. Do an energy test, see if you feel drained after hanging out with the individual, both emotionally and physically.

2. Think about times when you have shared good news with this individual. Have they been genuinely excited for you? Or do they tend to make it about themselves?

3. Finally, do you feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells around this individual or changing your personality to fit their needs?

If you feel any of these or they apply to a friendship you are in, start to think about whether it is worth it for you to stay in the friendship. Managing a toxic person does not always mean sending a dramatic “friendship breakup” text. There are many less stressful and dramatic ways to quietly quit the friendship. You are capable of doing these things, and here are some healthy ways to do it:

1.  If confrontation scares you, start by slowly reaching out less. Stop being the person who always texts first. 

2. Set boundaries that will benefit you and your mental health and well-being. Make sure the other individual is aware of those boundaries and agrees to follow them

3. The worst part is the process of having to forgive yourself for staying in the toxic relationship for that long. It is okay to acknowledge it, but do not dwell on it.

Choosing your peace over familiar and comfortable patterns is truly one of the hardest things to do. As you begin to distance yourself from the toxic dynamics, you will finally realize that you deserve better and feel a sense of clarity. Start raising your expectations for your friendships. You are not being “difficult” or “picky," you are simply putting yourself first in these relationships. Just remember that it is never a cut-and-dry situation, and that is ok. Continue to put yourself first, no matter what; you are doing amazing, and you should not let others hold you back.

Sincerely,

Sara